Pro Evolution Soccer 5
Martin isn't falling for Konami's tricks...
England have just thrashed Arsenal four nil. Lancashire have just echoed the Bible on the pitch by defeating the Goliath of British football Chelsea one nil. Football commentators across the country orgasm; their delight at the maniac chaos of it all finally becoming too much with which to cope. Has the world shifted on its axis? Has mankind altered reality? Is this a new era for the beautiful game? No. The situation is surprisingly simple to comprehend. All that has actually happened is that a jaded, classical music loving intellectual who spends more time with a mug of Earl Grey in his grasp than he ever spends with a cool pint of Carling, has forgotten to double check the instructions and - as a direct result of his failings - can't work out how to make his team score.
Now - to inject the faintest smidgen of political trouble and strife into proceedings - the USA will play China in 'Pro Evolution Soccer 5'. Reports of spy satellites are - according to the managers of both sides - pure speculation. If only the USSR were still available to play. The Open University still, in their geography programmes from the late eighties, insists that the Soviet block exists. Yet, here and now, the politically aware football fan is left without an outlet for his worldly concerns.
The goal celebrations leave a lot to be desired. For example, the USA's fans- echoing the snow white of their heroes' attire, look like demented monsters sketched into ski clothes; the baying, mad masses kept at bay by the flimsiest of barriers. One particular USA player follows his accuracy in the penalty area with an impression of the Incredible Hulk, arms jostling while remaining remarkably, un-naturally static. Claire Grogan's joyful nature is present within us all and just the tiniest garnish of Altered Images eccentricity would have gone down a treat between the goal posts. Instead, we are left with a game full of players with perfect faces and strikingly similar bodies. Welcome to the less than exciting battle between banality and ennui.
The commentary from Trevor Brooking and some other bloke - who always says his name at speed - often jars with the flow of play. Instead of commentating on the action, the commentators seem overly concerned with explaining the rules of the game at any given opportunity. When was the last time anyone heard Motson say with passion and gusto: "the ball has gone over the line. It's a throw-in"? The choice of teams available for selection is colourful, bizarre and, oddly enough, bizarrely limited. You can play as Arsenal, Chelsea or the dubious "West Midlands Blues". Yet, the majority of the teams from the English Premiership prove inaccessible to the player. The game's morbid fascination with memorial matches is neither humorous [as the makers of the game no doubt intended], nor touching. The player's excitement soon fades into a prepared response to complacency.
Soccer games on closes have always formed part of the bar entertainment scene. They provide the perfect opportunity for men to show off to one another without resorting to a tape measure and a darkened room. Playing the game at home, against the backdrop of a malting autumn evening, feels odd, disturbing and wrong. Indeed, cavorting on the fields of green laced with white on any other day but a Saturday may well be considered a sin.
Without the 'Gulliver desire' imbedded into their breeding, the player has no desire to manipulate his army of tiny men. The matchstick men are soon without a master as play becomes tedious. The tutorial levels patronise more than they instruct and the game possesses nothing which, when deployed to its full potential, will keep the player coming back for more. There's no opportunity to develop your skills on the soccer field and no dedicated attempt to keep the game as realistic as possible.
F.A bosses are currently in urgent, secret talks about how to revive the fortunes of the beautiful game. Attendance figures on match days are down and the money belts are being pulled ever tighter. The Premiership has become like Formula 1 racing. Nothing, besides money, makes the slightest bit of difference to proceedings. Skill, talent and dedication have been thrown out of the window and players are encouraged to behave badly for the tabloids. People are turning away from the turnstiles. Arrogant, greedy men's teams who betray their own promises to financially back women's football teams have ruined this year's welcome renaissance for women's football. In the midst of all this negative commotion, we are all supposed to fall about on the floor in fits of delight and express our appreciation at the arrival of yet another football computer game?
Once the novelty factor fades away, the cracks begin to appear. Despite what its title might suggest to the punter, this game refuses to allow for the evolution of your skills or your enjoyment. In the game, the player has the option to choose whether or not to play the second half of the match. The inclusion of this option is telling. The game gives you the option to abandon it so early on in the gestation of your appreciation. Abandon it you should. For, given time, it will abandon you and leave you with nothing but a feeling of growing disappointment.
25%
Editor's conclusion
The Editor sits back in his chair, offers a nervous cough. "Might I interject for one brief moment? Take a deep breath young Martin. You're not an Everton fan, are you? Here's my tuppence-worth: Mr Drury's monologue on the fifth game in the venerable Pro Evo series had me laughing so hard that despite the fact I disagreed with most of it felt it would be a creative travesty to make the clever chap slice and dice his prose. I therefore add my own thoughts on the game to the bottom of the review, hoping to offer an ever-so brief alternative take on Konami's latest. Yes, it is hard to score in Pro Evo 5, and the team names are a ridiculous state of affairs for what claims to be a triple-A title. That said, this is the beautiful game at its most raw, realistic and down-right lovable. The fact that the game is incredibly tough at times only serves to heighten your appreciation for the time the developers spent trying to faithfully digitalise the world's most popular sport. No one has come closer.
"FIFA may have slicker presentation than Liz Hurley, all the world's top teams and their players, it even has the tricks and dazzling goals in abundance. But it's all fluff, superficial filler which can be had all too readily - like that naughty girl at the school disco you really weren't interested in in the first place... everything about EA's rival offering is so much better forgotten. Martin's comments on the state of football are certainly right on the mark, but in this reviewer's opinion the pure footballing pleasure of Pro Evo 5 serves as a reminder of what it all should be about. Some fans of past iterations may not like the tweaks made here to a formula loved by so many, but evolution is inevitable and I think we're just about heading in the right direction. This is, as Ruud Gullit might say if anyone still cared, total football. Enjoy."
Editor's score:
90%
90%
Comments
what a pretentious load of twaddle
Martin, I wonder just how fat and ugly you must be. Clearly last pick in the playground when picking teams for a game of football. PES5 is a wonderful game, get, get back to playing Myst or D & D with your, 'friends'.
is any one having problems connecting to x box live today
did martin actually PLAY the game?!?! He sounds like his issues with football in general...this wasn't meant to be a pretentious review on your opinion of the decline of English football. I dont give a flying mongoose for your trumped up twaddle - you fail to mention hardly anything about the game, the control methods, the master league sections, etc.
Taxi for Martin........next time, just slap a link to a site that actually bothers to do a decent review in future.
Glad to see the editor put the reporter right, and I hope he was either demoted or sacked for his totally inappropriate and naive version of events. A truly great game, this is.
Whilst there are many faults in this person's review, I also think the editor has got it wrong too. This is NOT evolution, it is completely scrapping the whole control mechanism of PE4, and replacing it with one which, whilst trying it's best to be more realistic, has ended up like being in control of 11 injured and very un-agile players. The scope for individual creativity from one person to the next has been greatly reduced by a system of player movement which, by way of it's v ery slow responsiveness, has greatly reduced the gap in performance level between the robbie savages and the peles amongst us, and that is just plain wrong.
Good morning happy readers, yes, perhaps giving Martin PES5 was a mistake - which I must take the blame for. Personally, I thought his review made for an entertaining read, which is why it stands un-compromised. Having said that, I'm a fan of the series, and therefore felt the need to add my own take too. Thanks for your opinions.
Martin's review was for PES veterans, whom know that Konami would never compromise the gameplay. That's why he never mentioned it because we all know it's going to be flawless. If you are buying an upgrade to PES4 then it's a 65%, 25% wasn't right
The editor's was for the casual gamers.
sorry i forgot to add that some people like FIFA better only because the amount of sponsers. If pro6 has all the sponsers its gonna put EA out of football simulations
Hey peeps any of you genius`s got the player name and stadium name updates for pro evo 5 for the ps2
email me - simon07@hotmail.co.uk
Martin, you are not worthy to review Pro Evo 5, go away and take a long hard look at your life. You Muppet.
martin, that was the worst review i have ever read. Please just give up with the charade of turning a review for a football game into a piece of prose. You're an idiot.
shove fifa up your ass and then eeat it for dinner. after you have done this, piss on it and drink it instead of beeer.
Personal insults are a bit much. By all means disagree, but by abusing the guy your not getting your point of view over very well are you? Its only a game...
Is it better than fifa 2006?
This Game is the best reality game ever. The people who plays pes 5 know it. Respect fore the makers of this game.
Who the hell gave it 25%. What are you some sort of syndicate purist. He eveidently loves david Beckaham and wants to have his shaven kids. Sorry about the spellingg
i think its stupid that when u run along with another player they go down like a sack of spuds and sometimes its well annoying cause im on the break and the defender falls over and its a free kick and i would have score!!!!
What can i say, its truly the best game on the planet!!!!!
who thought pro evolution soccer 4 was good?
i did, come to think of it i've still got the game:)
Pro Evo 5 is the ultimate fotball game .. Nuff said. now im off to play it. leave me alone.
Ed dont let Martin review anymore footie games he clearly has no interest in them, either that or hes being pay serious cash by EA.
pro evo 5 is the best football sim on the planet. why do you think fifa is trying to copy it if it is only worth 25%. you obviously have no idea what your talking about or you have a serious problem with konami. ps to anyone who hasnt got used to the new controls, keep at it, its worth it when you start to get it right
what a thick obviously a fifa fan who can't admit pro evolution is a far better game-always has been and always will be
ProEvo hasn't changed much. Yeah, it is a pretty good game - it was last year too. In fact, it seems like the same good game this year as it was last year. Why buy it twice? That's just dumb. Unless they actually improve the damn thing year on year, I'm not giving them any more of my money.
SingyPrick, are u sure u've even played it?
it's totally different from Pro 4
the feel and movement of players have changed, they are much heavier and not too fast/twisty like the others
on pro 4 it was so easy to score against the computer, even on 6 stars..i can tell u now it takes longer to get used to playing pro 5
u can now play cup games in between league games
more cups
updated players/transfers etc
More licensed teams
ps.
If any of u PES5 nuts don't know about changing team kits and badges etc, look here..it's hard work but well, well worth it i can tell u now
http://photobucket.com/albums/a173/pesbadge/
login name: pesbadge
password: pesfan
lol well said Junkie xD
Pro evo 5 is a good game in that it is more realistic, people like robbie bastard savage cannot turn the defence inside out like it was in pro evo 4. But in comparison, u all have to admit that pro evo 5 doesnt have the tempo, the flow, and the smoothness as the old one. However needless to say, people who rate this game crapper than fifa need to get shot with a bullet bcos u dont know what u on about.
However u fifa lovers have a point, in terms of fast paced action that was of pro evo 4, pro evo 5 doesnt come newhere near it. But isnt that the whole purpose to aim and make the game more realistic, and if u dotn agree with me, bollocks to u and shuv the fifa cover of rooney and ronaldinho up ur arse cos pro evo has and always will set the standards.
What are you on about Martin, Pro evo rocks, fifa sucks.
Who cares about licensing when gameplay matters, gameplay keeps fifa out of being the nations's favourite footie game
hey martin u must b out of ur mind pal how can u call pro evo morbid i think u should take ur oppinion n dhove it up your arse because quite frankly 99% of pro evo fans think u are some sort of fifa bummer and tbh its just not needed pal because the game play is 100% betta tht fifa ne day so thts all i have t say.
power t pro evo!!